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What is Date Rape?
"Date rape," or "acquaintance rape," is a sexual act committed against your will by someone you know.*
The rapist could be someone you go out with, even your partner.
It could also be anyone else you know, such as a:
- classmate
- co-worker
- boss
- ex-partner
- family member
- neighbor
Note: Most rape victims are women, but men can also be raped. While this page focuses on women, much of the information can also be used by men.
Why should I be concerned about date rape?
Because it's a serious crime, and it's common.
Most people imagine a rapist as a stranger waiting in an alley. But most often, rape victims are raped by someone they know.
No matter who the rapist is, rape is a crime--it's a violent act that can cause great emotional and physical damage.
To prevent date rape, it's important to understand the attitudes that contribute to it.
Here are some of the reasons:
Sex role stereotypes
Some people believe that men should be aggressive and that women should be passive and give in.
Poor Communication
People may not understand each other's sexual intentions and expectations.
Mixed messages
A rapist may think a victim is "playing hard to get" or really means yes instead of no. Mixed messages may come from what a person says or through body language.
Date rape is sexual assault
What are the effects of date rape?
Date rape is a violation that can affect every area of a victim's life. It may cause:
Loss of trust
The date rape victim may not trust people anymore--or may not trust him or herself as a judge of character.
Guilt
A victim may feel shame or guilt. He or she may even blame him or herself for the rape--even though the victim is in no way responsbile.
Fear
A victim may become afraid of friends, family and acquaintances, and try to avoid certain people and places.
Depression
Victims of date rape may become angry and depressed.
Sexual problems
A victim's emotional hurt may harm his or her relationships with sexual partners.
There is no one type of rapist
Rapists come from all walks of life. Your friend, acquaintance, partner or date may be nice. But, be aware of attitudes that could show another side.
Hostility toward women
Does he or she show signs of anger toward women?
Domineering personality
Does the person act bossy or make all the decisions about what you should do and where you should go? Does the person treat you as his or her property?
Wrong ideas about women
Does he or she view women as sex objects? Does he or she think that women are supposed to serve others' needs? Or that only "loose" women get raped?
Unrealistic views of women
Does he or she idolize you--put you on a pedestal? He or she could feel let down and angry if you don't live up to his or her image of you.
Can date rape be avoided?
You can take steps that may lower your chances of being raped.
Express what you want clearly.
Make it clear what your limits are before you get into a sexual situation.
Avoid secluded places.
Stay away from isolated places, such as parks or deserted beaches. Meet in public places where help will be nearby.
Avoid alchohol and other drugs.
These make it harder for you to stay in control of the situation. Be aware of how much your friend, acquaintance, partner or date uses them, too.
Don't leave your drink alone.
And, don't drink something you didn't open or pour yourself. "Date rape drugs" put in a drink can cause intense drunkenness, difficulty moving and memory loss. In some cases too much of a "date rape drug" can even be fatal.
Arrange your own transportation.
Drive your own car, use public transportation or go out with a group. Don't rely on your friend, acquaintance or date for transportation.
Know your sexual rights and responsibilities
These apply to everyone.
You have the right to:
- dress as you please
- agree to have sex with someone and then change your mind at any time
- be treated with respect at all times.
And you have the responsibility to:
- talk openly and honestly about your sexual expectations about your sexual expectations, wishes and intentions.
- assert yourself--by standing up for your rights
- take an equal role in your relationships
- reject sexual stereotypes that define women as weak and men as aggressive.
You do not have the right:
to pressure or force someone to have sex, even if:
- you paid for dinner or a night out
- you've had sex with him or her before
- he or she agrees to have sex with you, then changes his or her mind
- he or she flirts, dresses provocatively or comes on to you
- you met at a bar or picked him or her up hitchhiking
- you think anyone enjoys being forced to have sex or wants to be persuaded.
Your strategy for helping prevent date rape:
Know your needs and wishes.
What do you want out of a sexual relationship (if you want one at all)? Decide what having sex means to you--and be honest in your answers.
Communicate them clearly.
Sex and dating are filled with unspoken expectations. Speak up! Don't let your friend, acquaintance, partner or date assume you'll have sex. Even if you two have had sex before, that doesn't mean you must have sex again.
Assert yourself.
Insist on being treated with respect. Don't be afraid to refuse an invitation or a gift.
Always keep in mind that no one has the right to touch your body unless you want the person to.
What if someone wants to have sex and I don't?
Be direct.
Confront the person. Say, "Don't touch me!" Demand respect.
Act right away.
Don't give in to sexual demands hoping to appease the person.
Get away.
If you feel uneasy or think you may be in danger, leave. Trust your intuition and act on it.
If you're attacked:
- Go with your instincts. You may decide to run, scream, kick, hit, bite, etc. Act quickly, whatever you decide to do.
- Keep in mind that your goal is survival. Cooperate if you think that resisting would put your life in greater danger.
REMEMBER: Every rape situation is different. Never feel guilty about what you did--or did not--decide to do. Rape is never the victim's fault.
What to do if you are raped:
Get to a safe place.
Or call a rape crisis center.
Don't shower.
And don't douche, brush your teeth or change your clothes. You might destroy medical evidence.
Go to a hospital emergency department.
You can get treatment for any injuries and get any needed tests. Go even if you're not injured. Carry a complete change of clothes with you.
Tell the police or sheriff.
Reporting sexual assault is an important part of ending rape. But you should be comfortable with your decision. Find out all you can about reporting a rape--call a rape crisis center for information. Counselors there can also give you support if you have any concerns about reporting rape.
Note: State law may require hospitals to report some rape cases to authorities.
Get counseling.
It's normal to have strong emotions after a rape. A specially trained counselor can help you deal with these feelings.
More about reporting date rape
Keep these points in mind:
Rape is never a victim's fault.
You have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.
Date rape is as "real" as rape by a stranger.
And it's just as serious.
You may help protect others.
Reporting your rape may prevent future rapes.
Remember--you have a right to demand justice!
Know how to help a friend who has been raped.
Be supportive.
Give the victim your emotional comfort and support. Let him or her express his or her feelings. Don't pry into details. Be nonjudgmental--listen and be understanding.
Encourage action.
Encourage the victim to report the rape, see a health care provider and contact a counselor.
Offer shelter
See that the victim has a safe place to stay and someone to stay with.
Be reassuring.
Rape is never the victim's fault. Don't let the victim think he or she did something to cause the attack.
Rape by any other name is still rape.
Communicate your needs and wishes clearly.
Use safety strategies when you date.
Report all kinds of sexual assault.
Know what to do to help victims of date rape.
Awareness and prevention are your best weapons against rape!
*In many states, rape is defined as nonconsensual vaginal, anal or oral penetration which may involve force or the threat of force. Definitions of sexual assault, attempted rape, statutory rape and other sex crimes differ from state to state.
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