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Dating Violence Happened to Me
I thought I couldn't live without him.
My name's Tina.
Todd seemed like the perfect guy.
Good grades, good looks, cool friends. He had it all.
I felt so lucky to be with him.
He was always doing romantic things.
Even my parents thought he was the greatest.
And, Todd said he couldn't live without me.
"Tina," he would say, "I want you all to myself."
Todd was so jealous.
He hated it when I talked with other guys--even about school.
He didn't even like me doing stuff with my best friend Alana.
I was flattered at first. "He must really love me," I thought.
It felt good to know someone cared so much.
Something wasn't quite right about Todd and Tina.
My name is Alana and I've known Tina forever. We're like sisters. Then along comes this guy Todd, and suddenly I hardly see Tina anymore. It hurt.
But I was worried, too. Todd gave me the creeps. It's like he wanted to control everything Tina did.
He was always criticizing Tina--her clothes, how she talked--right in front of everyone.
Todd had a temper, too. He got in a lot of fights. If another guy just looked at Tina, he'd lose it.
I tried talking with Tina once.
We were having a conversation about--who else--Todd. And I just came out with it.
"Tina, I'm telling you this as a friend. I don't like the way Todd treats you. You deserve better."
Tina didn't say a word. So I went on.
"The way he bosses you around and loses his temper. . . he's like those guys on TV who beat up their girlfriends."
Then Tina got mad.
"Todd is the best thing that's ever happend to me. You want me to break up with him? You're just jealous."
I couldn't believe Alana.
Todd was everything to me. I wanted to spend all my time with him. I wanted to dress the way he liked and to look good for him. Sure I wished he wouldn't put me down or fight with other guys. But all that just made me want to please him more. If I did please him, I thought, maybe he'd stop. And that stuff Alana said--well, I k new Todd loved me. So he would never hurt me, right?
Then one day, something happened.
Todd hurt me.
We were arguing--he was saying I spent too much time with Alana. He was getting more and more angry. Suddenly, he grabbed me hard and pushed me against a wall. My head banged on the bricks. His face--I'll never forget that look.
I was so shocked, I couldn't move.
Todd felt so bad.
"I can't believe I did that!" he said. "Are you OK?"
"Tina, I swear I'll never, ever do that again."
He was so sweet. I could tell that he was really sorry.
"I'm sorry, too," I said.
"I didn't mean to get you so upset."
So we made up. It sounds strange, but in a way I felt closer to Todd than ever before.
But it kept happening.
It even got worse.
One time Todd squeezed my arm so tight it left a huge bruise. Another time he punched me hard in the stomach. I could barely breathe.
But every time, it was the same. He'd say he was sorry. Sometimes, he'd even cry. Then he'd buy me presents and be so nice. So, I would forgive him.
Deep down, I was so confused. "How can he love me and hurt me?" I thought. "I must be doing something wrong."
I told myself to try harder.
Something was definitely wrong.
I saw Tina less than before. When I did see her, we barely spoke. Whenever Todd was around, she acted real nervous. I could tell she was afraid of him. Then, one day we were getting dressed after gym. I noticed this big bruise on Tina's arm. It actually looked like a person's fingers. The pieces all fit together.
So, I asked her, "Is Todd hurting you?"
Tina looked at me and started to cry.
"It's not his fault," she sobbed. "He really loves me. It's my fault."
"Tina," I said, "it is not your fault!He has no right to hurt you, no matter what."
But she just kept going on and on about what a great guy Todd was.
Tina was in tough shape.
I think she knew she had to get away from Todd. But Todd was her whole life. It was hard for her to let go.
"I've tried everything," Tina cried. "Why can't I make him stop? What am I going to do?"
I could tell that Tina really needed help. She was confused, scared. "We need to tell someone about this, Tina," I said.
Tina looked at me. She seemed frightened--but also relieved.
"Would you come with me to the school counselor's office?" she asked. So, we went to see Ms. Lee.
I learned a lot from Ms. Lee.
She said that what was happening to me was called dating violence. It happens to lots of young people.
Ms. Lee also helped me see that Todd had a problem. It wasn't my fault. Nothing I did caused him to hurt me. In fact, what Todd was doing was against the law.
"Todd needs help,: Said Ms. Lee. "Otherwise, he'll keep hurting you. The violence will probably get worse. "But the most important thing," said Ms. Lee, "is your safety, Tina."
"I worry that Todd is a real danger to you right now. We need to tell the police what's going on."
Ms. Lee also gave me the number of a local crisis center. She said I could call for help or support.
Breaking up was the hardest thing I've ever done.
Ms. Lee said it was safest to tell Todd over the phone. So that night, I called him.
He begged me and threatened me. He told me that no one else would ever love me.
I was really scared of Todd. The school and police warned him to stay away. But I still had to be careful.
And, there was a big part of me that still loved Todd. I knew I had to leave him, but it hurt so much.
It's a good thing I had Alana, Ms. Lee and the people at the crisis center. My parents were great, too. They really helped me during these last few months.
And, fortunately, Todd left me alone. I even heard he was getting help.
Now, I'm feeling much stronger. I want to tell you what I've learned.
You don't have to live with violence.
No one has a right to hit you, force you to have sex or hurt you in any way--ever.
Be careful of people who:
- are very jealous
- try to keep you from friends or family
- try to control you
- have bad tempers
Not everyone with these traits will become violent. But use caution.
A violent person needs help--without it, the voilence will get worse.
Don't be afraid to ask for help and protection--ending a violent relationship can be difficult and dangerous. Crisis centers, shelters, hotlines and the police or sheriff can help. Look for their numbers in the front of the phone book.
You have a right to health and happiness.
The characters in this story are fictional. Any similarities to real people, living or dead, are coincidental.
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